Conversations with Mom
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
[While I was in mid-air somewhere over Missouri on the flight to Detroit I was "facebooking" and posting about heading back to Michigan. My friend, Sandy, happened to see my post and asked how I was getting home from the airport. I said I was going to rent a car, "unless you want to come pick me up??"
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Cooking Lessons
Just one more thing, and then I'll let you go...
The girls did the most remarkable thing last night. They came into the family room where we were chatting and asked the usual question, "What's for dinner?" Wayne replied without skipping a beat, "Whatchya fixin'?" Hmmmm... you could see those little minds deep in thought, the wheels turning, the hamsters struggling to stay on their little treadmills, and without so much as a "How do you do?" they headed off toward the kitchen.
Now mind you, the idea of my daughters in the kitchen unsupervised from the moment they were born until now has always made my liver pucker. I haven't been much for teaching either of them to cook yet. Elysse is more interested in asking questions than listening to instructions. She's helped with handing me ingredients and dumping the items I tell her to dump into the bowl. I've tried to teach her how to read a recipe, but her ADHD makes it difficult for her to sit still and listen. And Ronnie, of course, is only four years old and doesn't even cut her own food yet, let alone be allowed to use sharp knives or small appliances, much less the stove. I just keep telling myself I'll wait until they're older and more ready to listen and learn.
Bearing all that in mind, I have no clue, no expectation, no frame of reference whatsoever, to know what all the banging and clanging is emanating from the kitchen. Wayne anxiously sits up on the edge of the couch and says, "Maybe one of us should go in there and supervise..." But I said, "No. As long as we don't hear any crashing noises or blood-curdling screams, let's just see what they come up with." So we sat back, put our feet up, and waited to see what the girls would produce.
Fifteen or twenty minutes later, two adorable little waitresses in red aprons with their names on them (remember the ones you bought them for Christmas last year?) headed into the family room carrying bowls heaped high with an unknown culinary delight (or gastronomical disaster. Remember, these are the girls who wanted to dip cantaloupe in Hershey's syrup).
To our delight (and considerable relief), they had made us each a baby spinach salad with green peppers and diced tomato (already chopped from the night before), shredded cheddar cheese and a generous squirt of ranch dressing in the middle. I thought about getting up and cutting up some leftover grilled chicken to put on the salad, but then I thought, "they're perfect just the way they are. Why mess with it and give them the message that what they did wasn't good enough?" So I sat back and enjoyed the spinach salad my daughters had made for Wayne and me, and I choked back tears instead of chocolate covered cantaloupe. That was the best doggone salad I have ever tasted. Sometimes you just have to let go and let them teach themselves.
Thanks for the lesson, girls!
Talk to you later, Mom. I love you.
-- Julie
The girls did the most remarkable thing last night. They came into the family room where we were chatting and asked the usual question, "What's for dinner?" Wayne replied without skipping a beat, "Whatchya fixin'?" Hmmmm... you could see those little minds deep in thought, the wheels turning, the hamsters struggling to stay on their little treadmills, and without so much as a "How do you do?" they headed off toward the kitchen.
Now mind you, the idea of my daughters in the kitchen unsupervised from the moment they were born until now has always made my liver pucker. I haven't been much for teaching either of them to cook yet. Elysse is more interested in asking questions than listening to instructions. She's helped with handing me ingredients and dumping the items I tell her to dump into the bowl. I've tried to teach her how to read a recipe, but her ADHD makes it difficult for her to sit still and listen. And Ronnie, of course, is only four years old and doesn't even cut her own food yet, let alone be allowed to use sharp knives or small appliances, much less the stove. I just keep telling myself I'll wait until they're older and more ready to listen and learn.
Maybe we should stop taking them to Applebees so often. They are starting to bond with the wait-staff. |
Fifteen or twenty minutes later, two adorable little waitresses in red aprons with their names on them (remember the ones you bought them for Christmas last year?) headed into the family room carrying bowls heaped high with an unknown culinary delight (or gastronomical disaster. Remember, these are the girls who wanted to dip cantaloupe in Hershey's syrup).
To our delight (and considerable relief), they had made us each a baby spinach salad with green peppers and diced tomato (already chopped from the night before), shredded cheddar cheese and a generous squirt of ranch dressing in the middle. I thought about getting up and cutting up some leftover grilled chicken to put on the salad, but then I thought, "they're perfect just the way they are. Why mess with it and give them the message that what they did wasn't good enough?" So I sat back and enjoyed the spinach salad my daughters had made for Wayne and me, and I choked back tears instead of chocolate covered cantaloupe. That was the best doggone salad I have ever tasted. Sometimes you just have to let go and let them teach themselves.
Thanks for the lesson, girls!
Talk to you later, Mom. I love you.
-- Julie
Friday, August 27, 2010
Expert Witness
Just one more thing, and then I'll let you go...
I took the first step in the process of enhancing Elysse's educational experience yesterday. I met with the Special Education people at the school and discussed her diagnosis by Dr. Hupp and how we proceed from here. They both felt that Elysse would probably benefit from services provided in the general education environment and would not require placement in the Special Education environment. Karen mentioned a program that they already have called "Brain Train" that may help Elysse bridge the gap between her high intellect and her significantly lower processing speed which may be the source of much of her frustration. She knows that she knows it, but she gets frustrated because she just can't access the information when she wants to. It was comforting to know that her issues may be handled with limited intervention.
The most comforting thing of all was sitting for the few minutes we had together with Brooke, the person on campus, and talking - talking about life, about experiences, about the loss of innocence, about the crushing reality of the world our kids are growing up in. It was very comforting to hear from her that she shares my values. I feel very comfortable that she is going to do what is in Elysse's best interest. She shared with me that the district held a convocation prior to the first day of school and offered several prayers during the event for the staff and the students. It's so comforting to know that we live in a district that unabashedly embraces its Christian values and doesn't care what the federal autocrats say about it. That may be contrary to the prevailing theory in Washington and in the halls of academia, but Son, we're in Texas now. Out here we still seek God's blessing on what we're about to do.
I had a lot of apprehension when we got the diagnosis last spring of Aspergers Syndrome. I envisioned our family being railroaded into DOE hell, of placing our child on the altar of academia where people with PhDs in curricula I think of as witch science tell me how to raise my child. I had thoughts of those quintuplets who were taken from their poor uneducated parents back in the '50s and "given a better life," only to be in reality a set of highly intelligent lab rats raised by intellectuals who thought they knew better what to do for these children than their own parents. While I feel so far out of my level of expertise when it comes to dealing with a child who is remarkably intelligent and still has a learning disability, I'm not ready to let the Department of Education raise my child for me. But I know I can't do it alone, either.
I missed you so much at that meeting. We were talking about possible issues like low blood sugar and it made me think of that story you told me about the little boy who had so much trouble around the same time every day. You would give him cheese and crackers out of your purse or arranged for a special snack for him from the school cafeteria. When you began intervening with his low blood sugar, his behavior and grades improved dramatically. I really started to miss you right then. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks. Who will I run things by now? How will I know if what I'm doing is the right thing. I wasn't ready to lose you yet. I need you to reassure me that I'm doing the right thing and making the right decisions for my daughters. I need your 40 years of combat experience - your expert testimony - to lead me through this maze of acronyms and synonyms, antonyms and homonyms.
I guess this means I have to grow up now. I have to have the confidence to make these decisions on my own without you as my expert witness/confidante. If they turn out to be something other than President of the United States or the finder of a cure for cancer... it will all be your fault for leaving before I was ready. But... no pressure.
Love, Julie
I took the first step in the process of enhancing Elysse's educational experience yesterday. I met with the Special Education people at the school and discussed her diagnosis by Dr. Hupp and how we proceed from here. They both felt that Elysse would probably benefit from services provided in the general education environment and would not require placement in the Special Education environment. Karen mentioned a program that they already have called "Brain Train" that may help Elysse bridge the gap between her high intellect and her significantly lower processing speed which may be the source of much of her frustration. She knows that she knows it, but she gets frustrated because she just can't access the information when she wants to. It was comforting to know that her issues may be handled with limited intervention.
The most comforting thing of all was sitting for the few minutes we had together with Brooke, the person on campus, and talking - talking about life, about experiences, about the loss of innocence, about the crushing reality of the world our kids are growing up in. It was very comforting to hear from her that she shares my values. I feel very comfortable that she is going to do what is in Elysse's best interest. She shared with me that the district held a convocation prior to the first day of school and offered several prayers during the event for the staff and the students. It's so comforting to know that we live in a district that unabashedly embraces its Christian values and doesn't care what the federal autocrats say about it. That may be contrary to the prevailing theory in Washington and in the halls of academia, but Son, we're in Texas now. Out here we still seek God's blessing on what we're about to do.
I had a lot of apprehension when we got the diagnosis last spring of Aspergers Syndrome. I envisioned our family being railroaded into DOE hell, of placing our child on the altar of academia where people with PhDs in curricula I think of as witch science tell me how to raise my child. I had thoughts of those quintuplets who were taken from their poor uneducated parents back in the '50s and "given a better life," only to be in reality a set of highly intelligent lab rats raised by intellectuals who thought they knew better what to do for these children than their own parents. While I feel so far out of my level of expertise when it comes to dealing with a child who is remarkably intelligent and still has a learning disability, I'm not ready to let the Department of Education raise my child for me. But I know I can't do it alone, either.
I missed you so much at that meeting. We were talking about possible issues like low blood sugar and it made me think of that story you told me about the little boy who had so much trouble around the same time every day. You would give him cheese and crackers out of your purse or arranged for a special snack for him from the school cafeteria. When you began intervening with his low blood sugar, his behavior and grades improved dramatically. I really started to miss you right then. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks. Who will I run things by now? How will I know if what I'm doing is the right thing. I wasn't ready to lose you yet. I need you to reassure me that I'm doing the right thing and making the right decisions for my daughters. I need your 40 years of combat experience - your expert testimony - to lead me through this maze of acronyms and synonyms, antonyms and homonyms.
I guess this means I have to grow up now. I have to have the confidence to make these decisions on my own without you as my expert witness/confidante. If they turn out to be something other than President of the United States or the finder of a cure for cancer... it will all be your fault for leaving before I was ready. But... no pressure.
Love, Julie
Teen Angst
Guess what I was doing this morning, Mom? Besides trying to clean off the top of my desk (which I think is gray, if I'm not mistaken. It's been so long since I've seen it), while completing various tasks on my new computer (did I tell you I got a new computer? It's a 27" iMac. It's like having a hi-speed lo-drag computer AND a 27" plasma TV on my desk. If Wayne ever gets the EyeTV hooked up like I asked him to 6 months ago, I may never leave my office... but I digress), anyway, while I was doing that, I was listening to Sandy's CD that she made for you. Aside from it being an incredibly well written and performed show, two things about it made me sad.
1. You never got to hear it. You would have loved it. She is so talented. And even though she gives her Girl Scout leader credit for starting her off on her career by giving her the lead in Cinderella in the 3rd grade (She was Prince Charming [not Cinderella], and she tells a wonderful story about being permanently emotionally scarred by having to wear tights with her tunic in public), I suspect having you for a music teacher for those first 6 years gave her the love of music that led to the singing in the basement into a broom handle that lead to years of standing-room-only community theater performances and a blossoming career as a cabaret performer. But that's just my opinion. I only listened to Act I so far;
and 2. that I regret all the years we lost because I was jealous and pig-headed, and yet I'm still so jealous of her. I know we were just kids back then. And kids do stupid things, and say stupid things, and hurt the people they can least afford to hurt. She was my best friend, the keeper of all my secrets, the yin to my yang, the Abbott to my Costello. Sometimes I wonder what my life might have been like if Sandy and I had stayed friends. Would I have dated some of the lunkheads I dated? Or would my best friend have knocked some sense into me before I got in too deep. And would I have been there for her when some guy broke her heart? Would we have sat on the couch together eating ice cream and crying like girlfriends ought to? Would I have stood up with her at her wedding, and would she have stood up with me at mine? Would she have sat at my bedside while we giggled over my newborn daughters? It's hard to say because had she been my best friend all those year I might not have made the choices to go to Lansing, and then to San Diego, and finally to Fort Hood, Texas, where I've made my life with my husband and where my daughters were born.
It's not that I regret my life. I don't. I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, even though that doesn't always include picking up after himself, putting his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher or completing a project in under a decade. I still love him and have never known anyone who loved me for me the way he does. I have two beautiful daughters. They exasperate me and drive me to lose my mind from time to time. But then I think about what life would be like without them, and I forget what it was they did that made me so mad in the first place. I have two parents who did the best they could to raise me right, and Daddy and I are closer than ever now. And I have a wonderful church family who have been so supportive over the last 11 years. They have prayed me through pregnancies and miscarriages, illnesses and loss. I know it was my adventurous spirit along with the consequences of choices (both good and bad) that led me to where I am today. But I still miss my best friend.
I'm so glad I contacted her last summer. I was scared to death that she would reject me, but she didn't. It felt like old times being together and telling stories and getting caught up. It came crashing down on me just how much I missed her, and how deeply I had loved her all these years. I may have acted like it didn't matter when you would see her at the Mall and tell me that she didn't ask about me. But it hurt like hell. And as we sat at your kitchen table looking at wedding pictures, I would feel this empty place in my heart right about where I should have been standing in those pictures. And I think back to my own wedding and how empty it felt not having a best friend to throw me a shower or to go with you and I to all get our hair done for the wedding. There are so many moments I think would have been so much richer if my best friend had been there.
God's timing is infinitely wonderful, though, because had I not contacted her when I did and had lunch with her last summer when I was home, she and I wouldn't be friends now, and she wouldn't have been there for me when you passed away. Mom, you would have been so tickled. I know it blew me away. She came for the visitation and stayed for nearly the whole thing sitting with Wayne over to the side and just being supportive, even AFTER the power went out at the funeral home during a thunderstorm and it got unbearably hot and humid in there with the doors open. Then she went with Wayne and I to eat at West Point Lounge afterward and regaled him with stories of our misspent youths. (He told me later that meeting her and spending time with her gave him a much greater insight into me and what I was like before I met him, and he was so grateful for that.) She even came to the funeral the next day, sitting unobtrusively toward the back. And then she invited me over to her house one last time before I left. Dad was gracious enough to watch the girls while I went and had some girlfriend time over at Sandy's the night before the girls and I headed back home. We sat on the couch with our feet up just the way I imagined we would have for the last 25 years had we not been so stupid and pigheaded. And maybe I'm too full of myself (which I have been known to be in my 48 years here on earth) but I let myself believe that it was because even though we hadn't been together for those 25 years, she still loved me as much as I loved her.
Isn't it funny how we can love someone so much and yet be so green with envy. Listening to her CD I felt myself being so jealous of her. I was jealous of her talent, but mostly of her confidence, her ability to put together a wonderfully entertaining evening, to surround herself with talented musicians, and to get up there and "WOW 'EM." I wanted to be her, to be up there on that stage still wowing them. But I didn't stick with the voice lessons like she did, and I ruined my voice with cigarettes for 20 years, and mostly I just never had the confidence that she has. She was always prettier, and smarter, and funnier, and skinnier... why do I suddenly feel 18 all over again? Is that a zit I feel forming on my forehead?? But I bet if I could ask her, she would probably say the same things about me and the things I have accomplished of which she was jealous. That's just how teenage girls are.
So I snap back to reality. Sandy lives in Michigan, and I live in Texas. We will never be those "best friends" I always imagined we would be when we were 19 and wondering what our lives would be like when we grew up. We are who we are, we are where we are, and it is what it is. She's not a part of my life here in Texas, and I will never be a part of her life there in Michigan (although as long as Dad stays in Jackson, I will have a reason to go up there and see her). But she is a remarkably talented woman, and I am so lucky to call her my friend, however we define that word from here forward.
I love you, Mom, and I miss you so much.
Love, Julie
1. You never got to hear it. You would have loved it. She is so talented. And even though she gives her Girl Scout leader credit for starting her off on her career by giving her the lead in Cinderella in the 3rd grade (She was Prince Charming [not Cinderella], and she tells a wonderful story about being permanently emotionally scarred by having to wear tights with her tunic in public), I suspect having you for a music teacher for those first 6 years gave her the love of music that led to the singing in the basement into a broom handle that lead to years of standing-room-only community theater performances and a blossoming career as a cabaret performer. But that's just my opinion. I only listened to Act I so far;
At Sandy's parents' house circa 1981. Notice the Diet Pepsi can prominent in my hand. |
It's not that I regret my life. I don't. I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, even though that doesn't always include picking up after himself, putting his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher or completing a project in under a decade. I still love him and have never known anyone who loved me for me the way he does. I have two beautiful daughters. They exasperate me and drive me to lose my mind from time to time. But then I think about what life would be like without them, and I forget what it was they did that made me so mad in the first place. I have two parents who did the best they could to raise me right, and Daddy and I are closer than ever now. And I have a wonderful church family who have been so supportive over the last 11 years. They have prayed me through pregnancies and miscarriages, illnesses and loss. I know it was my adventurous spirit along with the consequences of choices (both good and bad) that led me to where I am today. But I still miss my best friend.
At my parents' house, July 2009. Notice the Diet Coke bottle sitting prominently on the table. See? People really can change! |
God's timing is infinitely wonderful, though, because had I not contacted her when I did and had lunch with her last summer when I was home, she and I wouldn't be friends now, and she wouldn't have been there for me when you passed away. Mom, you would have been so tickled. I know it blew me away. She came for the visitation and stayed for nearly the whole thing sitting with Wayne over to the side and just being supportive, even AFTER the power went out at the funeral home during a thunderstorm and it got unbearably hot and humid in there with the doors open. Then she went with Wayne and I to eat at West Point Lounge afterward and regaled him with stories of our misspent youths. (He told me later that meeting her and spending time with her gave him a much greater insight into me and what I was like before I met him, and he was so grateful for that.) She even came to the funeral the next day, sitting unobtrusively toward the back. And then she invited me over to her house one last time before I left. Dad was gracious enough to watch the girls while I went and had some girlfriend time over at Sandy's the night before the girls and I headed back home. We sat on the couch with our feet up just the way I imagined we would have for the last 25 years had we not been so stupid and pigheaded. And maybe I'm too full of myself (which I have been known to be in my 48 years here on earth) but I let myself believe that it was because even though we hadn't been together for those 25 years, she still loved me as much as I loved her.
Isn't it funny how we can love someone so much and yet be so green with envy. Listening to her CD I felt myself being so jealous of her. I was jealous of her talent, but mostly of her confidence, her ability to put together a wonderfully entertaining evening, to surround herself with talented musicians, and to get up there and "WOW 'EM." I wanted to be her, to be up there on that stage still wowing them. But I didn't stick with the voice lessons like she did, and I ruined my voice with cigarettes for 20 years, and mostly I just never had the confidence that she has. She was always prettier, and smarter, and funnier, and skinnier... why do I suddenly feel 18 all over again? Is that a zit I feel forming on my forehead?? But I bet if I could ask her, she would probably say the same things about me and the things I have accomplished of which she was jealous. That's just how teenage girls are.
So I snap back to reality. Sandy lives in Michigan, and I live in Texas. We will never be those "best friends" I always imagined we would be when we were 19 and wondering what our lives would be like when we grew up. We are who we are, we are where we are, and it is what it is. She's not a part of my life here in Texas, and I will never be a part of her life there in Michigan (although as long as Dad stays in Jackson, I will have a reason to go up there and see her). But she is a remarkably talented woman, and I am so lucky to call her my friend, however we define that word from here forward.
I love you, Mom, and I miss you so much.
Love, Julie
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Other Shoe
Well, Mom... it's been almost a month now. I keep waiting for it to hit me that you're gone. For the last few years your input into my life has been somewhat parenthetical, so my daily life hasn't really been impacted by your death. I've done a pretty good job of playing the mature adult daughter grounded in her faith when it comes to dealing with everything. I can talk the talk... but for how long before the other shoe falls and I can't walk the walk? I feel it creep up on me some times. The other day I came across the birthday card you sent me, which you obviously mailed before we headed back to Texas after our visit so it would be here when we got back. You addressed it and signed it... and then it hits me that I will never get another card addressed in your handwriting, and the tears start to well up in my eyes. But that was it... a welling of the eyes.
I can’t count how many times already I have come across something – a picture, a joke, a new thing or one of the kids has been extraordinarily adorable - and thought “I have to share this with Mom.” You were my best friend and if I shared anything with anybody other than Wayne, it was with you. Who do I share those things with now? You were the only person I would ever call just to talk. I frustrate my friends and lead them to assume horrible things because I don’t like making phone calls (Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. It’s silly and irrational, but it just is.) But I loved talking to you on the phone. It would drive Wayne crazy some times. He would get lost in Call Waiting Hell trying to call home when he was leaving work because I was talking to you, and I would still be talking to you when he got home. And he would have to make dinner and serve the kids without me because we were still talking. I just thought of what we should put on your tombstone! “Just one more thing, and then I’ll let you go…” If I had a dime for every time that was uttered in one of our phone conversations, Wayne could retire!
Yesterday it started to hit me at church. We were sitting reflectively during the offertory (that’s a word YOU taught me) listening to Stephen play the piano. I can’t even remember now what the song was, but it was one I’ve heard a thousand times since my childhood sitting in the pew at Bethel Baptist Church on Springport Road with my head in your lap while you played with my hair. Those were some of the most peaceful moments of my life feeling your fingers stroking my hair, the strains of Baptist hymns and your alto harmonizing dripping into my upturned ear like honey off a ripe honeycomb. I suppose it had to do with the fact that I have been listening to YOU play the piano all week as I work on copying the CD you recorded ten years ago. But there was something about the way Stephen was caressing the keys, there with my eyes closed sitting on that pew I heard YOU playing. My mind drifted to the Mother’s Day when you and Dad came to see Elysse’s baptism, and you played the offertory that day. Or the Sunday when you played and we sang together Bill Gaither’s “Because He Lives” which you arranged to include a chorus of “Jesus Loves Me” so Elysse could sing while I held Veronica. That was Mother’s Day also. And then my mind wandered to what you were doing right then. Were YOU playing the piano at that moment? Were you in His presence giving Him a command performance? How grand was the piano you were playing? Were you playing an intimate concert just for Him, or were you accompanying a choir of angels?
And then it hit me… and the buttresses started to crack, and the dam started to heave as a trickle of tears started to flow through the crack. I scrambled to pull things back together and stop the leak. And I would have made it if I hadn’t stopped in the ladies room to dab my eyes and ran into Nancy Barker in there – God bless her soul. She asked me how I was doing, and she hugged me… and the buttresses cracked a little more, and the wall gave a greater heave, and more tears started to flow. The dam didn’t burst, but the buttresses are crumbling. How much longer before the infrastructure fails and a small village downstream or the checkout lady at Walmart is completely wiped out in the massive flood that ensues? Maybe I should get a bright orange reflective tee shirt and have printed on it “Warning! Flood Waters Rising! Maintain a Safe Distance!”
I know that it’s coming. I’ll be relieved when it does as long as it doesn’t happen in the middle of church, or in the frozen foods aisle of Walmart (I imagine myself frozen to the Blue Bell ice cream section like a 10-year-old’s tongue to a stop sign at a Michigan bus stop in January), or in the middle lane of US-190 somewhere between Fort Hood and Copperas Cove at 70 mph. I hope it comes in a quiet moment alone with Wayne when he can hold me and let me cry… maybe even cry together. I can tell he knows it’s coming, too. He may even be a little surprised that it hasn’t hit yet, considering how I blubbered uncontrollably for a stupid dog twelve years ago. But it will come… eventually… and we’ll all have to be ready with buckets and towels to sop up the mess.
Love you, miss you,
Julie
I can’t count how many times already I have come across something – a picture, a joke, a new thing or one of the kids has been extraordinarily adorable - and thought “I have to share this with Mom.” You were my best friend and if I shared anything with anybody other than Wayne, it was with you. Who do I share those things with now? You were the only person I would ever call just to talk. I frustrate my friends and lead them to assume horrible things because I don’t like making phone calls (Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. It’s silly and irrational, but it just is.) But I loved talking to you on the phone. It would drive Wayne crazy some times. He would get lost in Call Waiting Hell trying to call home when he was leaving work because I was talking to you, and I would still be talking to you when he got home. And he would have to make dinner and serve the kids without me because we were still talking. I just thought of what we should put on your tombstone! “Just one more thing, and then I’ll let you go…” If I had a dime for every time that was uttered in one of our phone conversations, Wayne could retire!
Yesterday it started to hit me at church. We were sitting reflectively during the offertory (that’s a word YOU taught me) listening to Stephen play the piano. I can’t even remember now what the song was, but it was one I’ve heard a thousand times since my childhood sitting in the pew at Bethel Baptist Church on Springport Road with my head in your lap while you played with my hair. Those were some of the most peaceful moments of my life feeling your fingers stroking my hair, the strains of Baptist hymns and your alto harmonizing dripping into my upturned ear like honey off a ripe honeycomb. I suppose it had to do with the fact that I have been listening to YOU play the piano all week as I work on copying the CD you recorded ten years ago. But there was something about the way Stephen was caressing the keys, there with my eyes closed sitting on that pew I heard YOU playing. My mind drifted to the Mother’s Day when you and Dad came to see Elysse’s baptism, and you played the offertory that day. Or the Sunday when you played and we sang together Bill Gaither’s “Because He Lives” which you arranged to include a chorus of “Jesus Loves Me” so Elysse could sing while I held Veronica. That was Mother’s Day also. And then my mind wandered to what you were doing right then. Were YOU playing the piano at that moment? Were you in His presence giving Him a command performance? How grand was the piano you were playing? Were you playing an intimate concert just for Him, or were you accompanying a choir of angels?
And then it hit me… and the buttresses started to crack, and the dam started to heave as a trickle of tears started to flow through the crack. I scrambled to pull things back together and stop the leak. And I would have made it if I hadn’t stopped in the ladies room to dab my eyes and ran into Nancy Barker in there – God bless her soul. She asked me how I was doing, and she hugged me… and the buttresses cracked a little more, and the wall gave a greater heave, and more tears started to flow. The dam didn’t burst, but the buttresses are crumbling. How much longer before the infrastructure fails and a small village downstream or the checkout lady at Walmart is completely wiped out in the massive flood that ensues? Maybe I should get a bright orange reflective tee shirt and have printed on it “Warning! Flood Waters Rising! Maintain a Safe Distance!”
I know that it’s coming. I’ll be relieved when it does as long as it doesn’t happen in the middle of church, or in the frozen foods aisle of Walmart (I imagine myself frozen to the Blue Bell ice cream section like a 10-year-old’s tongue to a stop sign at a Michigan bus stop in January), or in the middle lane of US-190 somewhere between Fort Hood and Copperas Cove at 70 mph. I hope it comes in a quiet moment alone with Wayne when he can hold me and let me cry… maybe even cry together. I can tell he knows it’s coming, too. He may even be a little surprised that it hasn’t hit yet, considering how I blubbered uncontrollably for a stupid dog twelve years ago. But it will come… eventually… and we’ll all have to be ready with buckets and towels to sop up the mess.
Love you, miss you,
Julie
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Peace
Wayne and the girls went over to John Hauck's house to help him paint a fence, although I suspect the girls are there primarily to pet Sassy, his horse, and offer little more than distraction when it comes to actually painting. But it was blissfully quiet in the house when I got up this morning.
It's a beautiful July morning. The sun is streaming into the back porch, and the shadows cast from the elm trees make it flicker and dance on everything it touches. The only thing I hear is the A/C when it comes on, and then blissful quiet again when it shuts off.
I can't believe it's only been two weeks since we got home from Michigan the first time. Trains, Planes, and Automobiles, throw in a boat, a trolley, a couple of cabs and an emotional roller coaster... what a whirlwind these last three weeks have been.
I was uploading the pictures off our camera yesterday. There was a picture on there of a place in downtown Chicago called "The Redhead Piano Bar" and it reminded me of you and Aunt Lola - you for the piano part and Lola for the redhead part. I never got to show it to you. You never got to see the video of Elysse's ballet recital (she did such a wonderful job!) or of her at her riding lessons, or Ronnie at gymnastics. You never got to see the guest house I designed, or the living room remodel that we did.
But I'm grateful that you got to stand up with us at our wedding, and be the "Mother of the Bride" at our reception. That you were there when my children were born, and the first one to hold them (after Mommy and Daddy, of course). And that you were there at my college graduation, and when my first boyfriend broke up with me, and when I tripped and fell in the driveway and got a goose-egg on my forehead at 4 years old. And I'm glad that out of all the baby girls you had to choose from, you chose me and made me your own. We may not have always understood each other - as mothers and daughters often don't - but I know deep down in my heart that no matter what was said or done over the last 48 years, you loved me unconditionally.
So now when something happens and I think to myself, "I wish Mom could see/hear/be-here-for that," I'll tell you about it on here and we'll share a moment of blissful quiet together.
I love you, Mom.
-- Julie
It's a beautiful July morning. The sun is streaming into the back porch, and the shadows cast from the elm trees make it flicker and dance on everything it touches. The only thing I hear is the A/C when it comes on, and then blissful quiet again when it shuts off.
I can't believe it's only been two weeks since we got home from Michigan the first time. Trains, Planes, and Automobiles, throw in a boat, a trolley, a couple of cabs and an emotional roller coaster... what a whirlwind these last three weeks have been.
I was uploading the pictures off our camera yesterday. There was a picture on there of a place in downtown Chicago called "The Redhead Piano Bar" and it reminded me of you and Aunt Lola - you for the piano part and Lola for the redhead part. I never got to show it to you. You never got to see the video of Elysse's ballet recital (she did such a wonderful job!) or of her at her riding lessons, or Ronnie at gymnastics. You never got to see the guest house I designed, or the living room remodel that we did.
But I'm grateful that you got to stand up with us at our wedding, and be the "Mother of the Bride" at our reception. That you were there when my children were born, and the first one to hold them (after Mommy and Daddy, of course). And that you were there at my college graduation, and when my first boyfriend broke up with me, and when I tripped and fell in the driveway and got a goose-egg on my forehead at 4 years old. And I'm glad that out of all the baby girls you had to choose from, you chose me and made me your own. We may not have always understood each other - as mothers and daughters often don't - but I know deep down in my heart that no matter what was said or done over the last 48 years, you loved me unconditionally.
So now when something happens and I think to myself, "I wish Mom could see/hear/be-here-for that," I'll tell you about it on here and we'll share a moment of blissful quiet together.
I love you, Mom.
-- Julie
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